Befriending
‘Losing one of our twin girls exposed us to an extremely complex set of emotions. We tried different support networks but found it difficult to be truly honest. Since I was matched by Footprints with my befriender, I have been able to talk to someone who has been through a very similar experience and has a genuine understanding of what we have been through. Nothing I say to her makes me feel silly, angry or stupid and it’s really helped me to navigate life in a more positive way.’
Claire, mum of Florence and Winnie
What is befriending?
Befriending is peer-to-peer support from someone who has experienced a similar twin or triplet loss to you. All of our befrienders are at least a year on from their own loss and can offer a listening ear. We try to match people according to their experience where we can.
Our befrienders all go through an induction process and have continuous training and self reflection and are well supported.
Befriender stories
jess
In November 2019 my twin boys were born early – it was my first pregnancy. James died after thirty-six hours and Rudy died aged four and a half months. Spending months in NICU fighting for one baby and grieving for the other was overwhelming. The experience was extremely isolating and at times I felt unable to cope. Not knowing whether my living baby would survive through each night was mentally exhausting.
During this time, I spoke to Sharon regularly who listened to me, comforted me and made me feel less alone. Sometimes I talked a lot and other times I wanted her to talk to me instead – it was a real lifeline for me. When Rudy died, I found it very difficult to accept because he had been doing so well and had even been able to come home for a few days. Sharon was still there for me. I found it helpful that she knew my whole story and I could therefore be real and raw with her.
Being a befriender now is very important to me. I want to give other people the opportunity to have the support, love and comfort that I was given by my own befriender.
Jodie
Hello, I’m Jodie!
I gave birth to my identical twin boys, Henry and Adam, on the 23 rd March 2020 (the day most of you will remember as the day the country went into our first lockdown)! All was well, both boys were thriving until day 3 when, seemingly out of the blue, Henry contracted NEC (Necrotising Enterocolitis) and due to this awful disease, he died at 6 days old from E Coli Septicemia.
Adam continued to thrive and when he was 6 months old, I fell pregnant with my daughter, Rosie. This pregnancy was a complete shock and unplanned. Dealing with the emotions of losing a child, bringing a child home, and falling pregnant again was a lot but I want to help anyone that might be in a similar situation.
Shimona
One of my twin boys, Arran, was stillborn in November 2016. His surviving twin is Kieran and we have been lucky to have a rainbow baby, Aidan, born in 2019. My pregnancy had come after several years of IVF and seemed healthy until my third trimester when I was diagnosed with a condition called ICP (intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy) which sadly resulted in sudden heart failure for Arran just two days before my planned c- section.
A few months afterwards, I spoke to Sharon who introduced me to a fantastic befriender. She had lived some of what I was feeling and was further along the journey so able to offer reassurance and empathy. I knew early on that I would like to offer the same support as a befriender and did so a couple of years later. I am sad that we are all part of this group but so grateful for the amazing people I have met. It means so much to be able to be there for people, just as others have been there for me.
Marsha
My identical twin boys, John-Paul and Christopher, were born on 26 January 2020 at 24 weeks. John was born sleeping whilst Chris was with us for about 24 minutes. I am also a mother to another two beautiful boys, Sebastian and Zachary, who are 5 and 2 years old.
When I lost my twins I felt all alone and like no one would and could understand what I was going through. Luckily I was put in touch with Sharon, through a charity, and through her and the rest of the community I received a lot of help. I didn’t feel alone anymore and began to feel part of a community where people had been through a similar experience and understood me without me having to say or explain much.
A year or so on from losing my twins I felt like I wanted to help others like Sharon and others had helped me. This is when I started befriending and helping with the online community. Through my lived experience I believe I can offer some kind of help to families who are going through a similar experience.
Vikki
In 2012, I fell pregnant with identical twin girls. At the 16 weeks scan we were told that both girls had died. They had died of cord entanglement. I have also suffered 6 other miscarriages, ranging from 5 weeks to 10 weeks. I have 2 living children, Jenson and Aria.
I unfortunately didn’t receive great support from the hospital when my twins died and it was a lonely experience for me. I did have private therapy though which did help.
In 2017, I had the opportunity to become a Befriender. I really wanted to get involved with something that I was so passionate about as I didn’t want someone else to experience baby loss the way I had. Being a Befriender is so rewarding. Knowing that I have been able to help other bereaved parents is incredibly special and you really feel a connection within the baby loss community. Not only do I get to talk about the babies that have been lost but I also get to talk about my babies too. It was devastating losing my girls but I get to keep their memory alive by helping others and that is something I will always be grateful for. For me, the crucial part of Befriending is being able to say “I understand”.
Liz
I’m Liz and I’m a befriender with Footprints. I have 2 older children who were 8 & 6 when we lost the twins and I’ve subsequently had another child.
I was expecting fraternal twins due Christmas 2015. At the 20 week scan I found out I was going to have two boys but one of them, Oscar, had two faulty valves in his heart and he sadly died at 27 weeks. My surviving twin, Felix, remained unaffected and my pregnancy continued albeit with high levels of anxiety.
At 33 weeks, I went into premature labour and I gave birth to the twins via c section. Felix was extremely well at birth, crying, weighing 4lb 6oz and a 9 on his APGAR scores. He was only in NICU rather than SCBU due to bed shortages. Sadly, at 5 days old, he developed NEC and after an emergency transfer to St Mary’s hospital in Manchester, he died, less than 24 hours after developing symptoms. It was an incredible shock, not just to us, but also to the medical professionals.
To lose two separate babies in two unrelated events; life changed; forever. At the time, it felt like I had lost my rainbow baby and it took me a long time to accept them as twins.
I had a befriender throughout the second half of my pregnancy and have experienced how important a befriender can be. I found it invaluable speaking to someone who had been through what I was going through and had a life at the end of it, when at that point I couldn’t see beyond the pain and darkness. I hope to be able to help other parents going through this situation and in doing so, also honour my twins’ memory.
Jay
In 2006, I was told at an 8 week scan that I was pregnant with identical twins. We were both excited and scared! I had been given an early scan due to a single miscarriage before. However, at the 12-week scan, we were then told there was a slight flicker on one baby instead of a solid heartbeat. They said it was something called TRAP Sequence, where one baby doesn’t have a heart, so the other twin is pumping blood for both babies. We were told to come back in 2 weeks & they would intervene by saving the baby with the heart.
At the 14-week scan, we were informed that both babies had died and there was nothing more they could do.
On 4th December 2006, I had to deliver my identical twin babies. It was the most emotionally painful experience ever. I saw their tiny, weak little bodies leave mine and will never forget it. I was unable to get the placenta out and ended up losing so much blood that I needed a blood transfusion.
I already had an older daughter, who was 9 years old, when we lost our twins. We did go on to have a rainbow baby who came along on 25th Jan 2008. She is called Gia, and she is the light in our lives and knows all about her siblings we lost in 2006.
I am very grateful to my befriender who supported me through this painful time in my life. Someone who truly understood how I was feeling. So I chose to become a befriender myself in 2007 and love talking about my babies to keep their memory alive. Also, I love helping families understand that it’s truly ok to still be missing your babies 10 /15 years on. It does change with time. You NEVER get over it, you learn to live with it.
Tina
I’m Tina and my twins Cassia and Bella were born born April 2019, my situation is unusual on here as there were no complications with the pregnancy or birth but we lost Cassia 3 days before their 1st birthday in April 2020 in an accident at home. I also have an older daughter who was 6 at the time.
Initially I decided to talk to a professional counsellor but as time went on I found I wanted to speak to someone who’d been in a similar position and was put in touch with a befriender by Sharon, and later became a befriender myself.
Zena
I’m Zena and I’m a befriender here at Footprints. My twin boys, Ramy and Jonah, were born in March 2021. Whilst I was pregnant, we found out at the 20 week scan that Ramy had a severe heart defect (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome). It was devastating to hear. As we learnt more about the prognosis and how likely Ramy was to survive any surgery, it became clearer that we had to make the decision for comfort care. We had 12 precious hours with Ramy, who was surrounded by love and cuddles.
I didn’t get much support from my local services, and met Sharon and Suzie online in a support group; instantly feeling part of a “family” where everyone understood me. Feeling so overjoyed about Jonah but at the same time grieving for Ramy was quite overwhelming, so I requested a befriender who had gone through similar circumstances a few years before me. She was kind, compassionate and it was truly comforting to have someone to talk to how understands. The power of peer-to-peer support cannot be underestimated. I’m volunteering as a befriender to hopefully give back the love and support that I felt when I needed it the most. No-one should feel alone.
Sam
In 2014 we were told the exciting news we were expecting identical twin girls we found out very quickly they shared the same sac and placenta, this posed a huge risk to the pregnancy and its outcome.
Sadly at 17 weeks we found out both our babies had died and I had to be induced into labour and started the process of coming to terms with our loss.
We already had a 2 year old son and were lucky enough since to have a daughter to complete our home.
10 years on now I feel it’s time for me to use our experience in a positive light to help families in similar circumstances.
I have gone on to have a fulfilled and happy 10 years since and hopefully can show others that the darkness and heartache does lift overtime with support.
Julie
I lost my beautiful twins, Nola and Niko, after a fight that no parent should ever have to endure. Born at just 23 weeks and 6 days due to HELLP syndrome, they were fragile but fierce. For three weeks, Nola fought with everything she had before we had to say our heartbreaking goodbye. Niko held on for six weeks before he too left this world, leaving an unimaginable void.
Grief consumed me, pulling me into a darkness I never thought I’d escape. But slowly, through the pain, I began to find light again. I now honor Nola and Niko by reaching out to others walking this lonely path. As a befriender, I hope to offer comfort, understanding and a hand to hold because no one should have to navigate this grief alone.
