27 years of remembering Charlie and Joshua

Yesterday was Charlie and Joshua’s 27th birthday. I usually write a blog about their birthday. I usually write them a letter too.

This year, I haven’t done either of those things. I’m not quite sure why. Maybe I just haven’t found the words yet.

I actually felt quite good in the run-up to their birthday. I enjoy planning and thinking about what I’m going to do for them, and this year I had quite a lot planned.

On the Saturday, the day before their birthday, I ran 27k for their 27 years. I was a little apprehensive about it, but it went really well. We also went to choose their flowers and birthday cakes, getting everything organised for the next day. Dominic planted their flowers and I sorted the cakes, so everything was ready.

Then Sunday came.

It was raining when we got up, but we headed to the cemetery first. Thankfully, the rain stopped while we were there. Dominic tidied everything up and we put their flowers out. My mum and dad had already been earlier and left a little cyclamen pot, which was really lovely, and when we left, their grave looked beautiful.

We then headed to Broadway for a food festival. It was still raining, but we had a lovely time. We had coffee, I had a cheese scone, Dominic had cake, and we wandered around the festival and a few of the shops. I’d never been to Broadway before, so it was nice to explore somewhere new.

From there we went on to Evesham, had a little wander around, went into the church and the Abbey, and walked along the river. We found a farm shop and I bought some apples and plums – because apparently even on your babies’ 27th birthday, you still need to buy some fruit!

Finally, we stopped at the garden centre in Stratford. I bought a little butterfly notepad and a small plant. I always like to buy something in memory of them on their birthday.

It really was a lovely day.

We came home for about an hour and then went to Jess’s, where we had a lovely evening together. We cooked our own food on the hot stone, I took the birthday cakes, and Mum had made a birthday trifle and bought me a lovely plant.

We lit the candles on the table, including their little star candles, and then lit the candles on their cakes.

There were lots of lovely messages throughout the day too. Lots from my twin and triplet loss friends, but also from lots of other friends who remember Charlie and Joshua and know that their birthday is still an important day for me.

When we came home, I felt a little flat. Because however lovely the day was, it still isn’t the birthday you want to be having.

I would much rather be planning a normal 27th birthday. Thinking about what presents to buy them. Wondering what they might like to do. Making plans with them. Complaining about how expensive it is to buy presents for two 27-year-olds!

Instead, I’m planning a day to remember them.

And I think there was something else about yesterday too. Their birthday is such a good opportunity to talk about them, to share memories, to say their names and to let people know that they are still very much part of my life.

I love that.

So when the day is over, there’s a strange feeling of, well, that’s it for another year.

Of course, I remember them every single day. I don’t stop thinking about them because their birthday is over.

But there is something different about having a day when I can openly share them with other people.

And now it feels like such a long time until their next birthday.

I woke up this morning feeling okay. I’m getting on with my Footprints work and doing all the usual things. Life carries on, as it always does.

But I wanted to be honest about how it feels 27 years later.

Sometimes people think that because it was a long time ago, it must somehow feel different.

It does feel different.

But that doesn’t mean it matters less.

I still like to mark their birthday. I still like to buy them flowers. I still like to light their candles. I still like to talk about them.

And I still write them a letter – or at least, I usually do.

This year I haven’t managed it. I haven’t found the words yet. Maybe I will. There’s no reason I can’t write it another day.

And actually, there is something that is helping me with that feeling of having to wait another whole year.

The London marathon.

In April, I’ll be running 42 kilometres for Charlie and Joshua and for 42 of the families and babies remembered by our Footprints community.

So although their birthday is over, it isn’t another whole year until I have another reason to talk about them, remember them and carry them with me.

I’ll be talking about them a lot over the next seven months.

I’m currently inviting people to dedicate one of the 42 kilometres to their baby, in return for a donation to my fundraising page. I still have a few kilometres available, so if you’d like to dedicate one, let me know.

And, as always, I’ll be taking all of our babies with me.

I’m planning a banner with all of their names on it, so that every baby in our Footprints community can be part of the day. And for the 42 dedicated kilometres, I’m going to have 42 little ribbons pinned to my top, each one carrying a baby’s name.

So, Charlie and Joshua’s 27th birthday is over.

But they’re coming with me.

As they always do.

⭐️⭐️