EMDR and my journey

Before I explain my journey to EMDR and how it has worked for me, I will explain what it is. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing. It’s a form of psychotherapy that helps people to process and recover from experiences and memories that are distressing. It’s a therapy that is widely used in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Now, I’ve explained what it is, why did I have it? 

I am the mummy to twins Jacob and Hope who were born just before 25 weeks and sadly grew their angel wings aged 4 and 6 weeks. Prior to my pregnancy that blessed me with Jacob and Hope, I had 2 previous pregnancies that ended with early losses at around 9 weeks. Having my earlier losses brought on a lot of anxiety in my pregnancy with Jacob and Hope. 

Jacob and Hope spent their short lives in NICU. During this time, I broke down emotionally on the team and my midwives. As a result of this, I was checked by my GP and I was diagnosed with severe postnatal depression and anxiety. I went on medications to try and help manage this and help me to cope. 

When Jacob and Hope grew their angel wings, I threw myself into keeping their memory alive and creating something for NICU to help other families. At the time, I didn’t realise I wasn’t allowing myself to grieve. 

As time moved on, I still wasn’t allowing myself to grieve. I became more and more depressed and didn’t know where to turn. I self referred to a number of talking therapy services and underwent sessions with those who accepted my referral. After these sessions, I still didn’t feel that I was allowing myself to grieve and that’s when I realised I had a lot of anger stuck inside and I didn’t know how to take this away. 

After a number of months, I sent another self referral to my local Talking Therapies service (I was in a new area), in the hope that I may be accepted for support. After my initial assessment call  I waited to hear as to the support that they were willing to offer me. The therapist explained that my case would be discussed in their team supervision meeting and then a decision would be made. As a result of this, I was offered Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which I knew from past experience may not be the right option for me and my needs. At the same time as being offered the CBT, I was also offered EMDR. 

When I first heard that EMDR was being offered, I was extremely sceptical as I didn’t  know how it would work. I was sent some information that explained that EMDR helps to break down and process the negative images, emotions, beliefs and the variety of sensations within your body that are associated with the stuck traumatic memory. 

During my first EMDR session, my therapist explained how the therapy works, we then discussed the Traumatic memory and the feelings around it. At the end of the session, we used a visualisation technique where I created a calm place. My therapist explained that I can use my calm place during the week, anytime I felt like things were getting a bit overwhelming. The sessions that followed started with a quick chat to find out how I’d been over the previous week and anything that I had noticed. We would then start the EMDR session. Throughout the session, I would be following the dot on the screen with my eyes or listening to the sounds in the headphones with my eyes closed. While watching the dot or listening to the sounds I would focus on a particular aspect of my traumatic memory and describe to my therapist what I felt or anything that was coming through . 

As we moved through the sessions, I felt a lot of the anger and self blame coming through. The EMDR helped me to break down the anger and disperse the self blame. The only way I can describe it, is that there was a shredder inside my head and the traumatic aspects of my memory were moving along a conveyor belt and into the shredder to be taken away forever. As the anger and traumatic aspects were disappearing, the love and pride for my twins was coming through stronger. As the sessions came to a close, I felt more and more of the pride in Jacob and Hope and how they saved all of our lives through their early birth as I was unknowingly suffering from sepsis. 

Having EMDR has helped me to process my journey, not only with Jacob and Hope but the journey I went through to have them with fertility issues, fertility treatments and IVF. My journey through EMDR has now helped me to unlock my grief journey and now I feel able to grieve for my ‘cheeky twins’ without the anger blocking the happy memories.

Prior to each session, I completed questionnaires that looked at my levels of anxiety, depression and PTSD and scored these on a score out of 27 for anxiety and 80 for PTSD. 

Prior to starting EMDR, I scored 11/27 for depression, 9/27 for anxiety and 50/80 for PTSD. I completed these questionnaires prior to my final session and my score for depression is now  2/27, my anxiety is now 0/27 and my score for PTSD is now 1/80.

I can’t explain how EMDR works, but having undergone various talking therapies, I can honestly say it’s the only therapy that has worked for me and has helped me to move forward with a grief journey that I have locked away for almost 5 years. 

If you’re offered EMDR but feel sceptical like me, my advice is to give it a chance as it may help you like it’s helped me.