Niko and Nola, born far too soon…

On 5 August 2023 at just 23 weeks and 6 days into my pregnancy, my life took an unimaginable turn. I developed HELLP Syndrome, a severe and life-threatening complication, requiring the premature delivery of my twins, Nola and Niko. Born far too soon, both babies entered the world impossibly small but fiercely strong, fighting for their lives in the NICU. Nola weighing 435g & Niko 580g. The care they received was incredible, we clung to hope, believing in their strength and the skills of the doctors & nurses.

Despite their fragile condition, Scott and I were deeply involved in their care. We treasured every moment we could spend with them, washing and gently changing their nappies, helping with their medical cares, and lots of cuddles whenever it was possible. Expressing milk for them became a labour of love, a way to nurture them when so much was out of our control. Every action, no matter how small, was a connection, a way to be the parents we longed to be for our precious Nola and Niko.

Three weeks later, our world shattered when our sweet Nola passed away. Her tiny body fought so hard, but it wasn’t enough. The loss was devastating for my husband Scott and I, losing a piece of your heart you had barely gotten to know. Through the tears and heartache, our boy Niko became our reason to keep going. He was our hope.. the one thing that kept us grounded in the midst of overwhelming grief.

But the nightmare wasn’t over. Niko’s condition began to worsen, and he was transferred to another hospital for further care. Despite every effort to save him, three weeks after losing Nola, we faced the unthinkable again. In the most heartbreaking moment we said our last goodnight, Niko passed away in our arms, surrounded by love.

Now, a year later, the grief still feels as heavy as it did in those first moments of loss. It doesn’t fade, nor does the pain get easier to bear; it simply becomes a part of you, woven into the fabric of your life. There are days when the ache feels unbearable, the weight of what was lost pressing down so heavily it’s hard to breathe. Milestones, anniversaries, and quiet moments bring waves of sadness that crash over you, leaving you longing for what could have been.

But over time, we’ve learned to carry the pain differently. It doesn’t diminish the love we have for Nola and Niko if anything, the grief is a reflection of how deeply they were, and always will be, loved. There are moments of beauty and remembrance amidst the sorrow, where we feel their presence in small, unexpected ways. Their lives, though brief, have left a mark on our hearts and their memory continues to guide us forward.

Living without them is a journey I never wanted to take, but it’s one I’ve walked with courage and unending love. Even in the darkest moments, the bond I share with my twins remains unbreakable..

I loved being your mummy xxx