TFMR for one of my twins at 30 weeks

When my partner and I found out I was pregnant I’d be lying if I said we weren’t shocked, so you can imagine our faces when we found out it was twins. Once the shock wore off we began getting excited.

At each scan we had I never felt anxious, I was always so excited to see my little beans jumping around the screen.

That feeling however soon went once we had our 20 week anomaly scan. Twin A was healthy and the entire time the sonographer explained what was happening on the screen. She moved over to Twin B and the talking soon stopped. After further examination by another sonographer we were told they couldn’t find our baby’s CSP and we needed to be referred to fetal medicine.

I couldn’t wait a week to find out if something was wrong or not so we paid to see a specialist at Harley Street who confirmed to us our baby has a missing CSP, severe fluid on the brain and that we would need an MRI to know how bad it is.

At 23 weeks I had my MRI and 2 days later I was called into hospital and told I had a short cervix that showed up on the MRI and needed to be admitted to have a stitch and put on bedrest. As I was in the hospital, they fast tracked the results and all hope and positivity I had left in me vanished. We were told the fluid on our baby’s brain was so severe it was stopping his brain from growing. His chances of survival were so low.

Before making any big decisions, we asked if we could have another MRI so another one was scheduled when we were 28 weeks along. The results from that MRI showed nothing had improved, if anything it had gotten worse.

It was then we decided the best option for our son was to go ahead with a TFMR. Because Twin A was so healthy and thriving, we were told to wait till 32 weeks to give him the best chance at survival if I go into labour.

Feeling my baby moving around was so bittersweet. Each day was an emotional torment and I remember being inconsolable the night before the procedure knowing it was our last night together.

Due to my short cervix and the risk of preterm labour the Drs decided it was best I had the procedure early and I had my TFMR at 30 weeks.

At 31.5 weeks I went into labour and delivered Greyson and my sleeping angel Lucas.

I got to hold my angel in a basket and say my last goodbyes, it was so hard to see him but I didn’t want to regret not holding him later in life. We had prints done and photos of him.

Grieving after a TFMR was very difficult for me. I was hit with guilt all the time. I was worried about telling people what happened in fear that they would judge me.

As awful as it sounds, I would often wish we just lost him naturally, rather than having to go through the agony of the TFMR.

I’ve now learnt that my grief is just as valid as anyone else. Lucas was very wanted.

By having a TFMR Lucas never had to endure any pain, he only ever knew the comfort of mine and his brother’s heartbeats.

Footprints is the only charity that I have found that has a section solely for TFMR parents. Though I always felt welcome and validated in other loss groups, nothing compares to being with people who literally know how you’re feeling, the decisions you had to make and life after them.

I’m forever thankful for this charity and these lovely ladies.